The DJDS "Phone Jails": What's Really in Those Lockers?

SATIRE- The students of Denver Jewish Day School have become accustomed to their new Principal Dr. G-T’s fresh set of ideas for a more engaging and educational environment, but the new phone lockers have taken things to a whole different level. 

Due to the concerning amount of time teenagers spend on their phones (contributing to a decline in their brain function), the administration of DJDS has passed strict rules requiring students to place their phones in “jail” at the beginning of the school day. Many have accepted their fate, however, there are still those who have decided to make a rather effortful statement–by leaving unthinkable and bizarre things in the lockers. But, in the end, their carefully executed acts changed nothing and just humored the faculty. Below is a list of some of the things the administration has found stashed in the now-infamous phone lockers. 

A dog bone from Bindi the therapy dog…we think: 

The gnawed bone in the phone locker was either Bindi’s, the new therapy dogs', long-lost treasure, or a student's questionable mid-day snack. The bone discovery caused many theories at DJDS. Some think Bindi has been running a secret bone collection mission, while others say that the student must have been so hungry they took desperate measures.

A Banana with a Phone Case Wrapped Around It: When Mr. Halper was suspiciously checking the phone lockers with his mini flashlight, hoping a student foolishly attempted to have a decoy phone, he stumbled across something truly peculiar and unthinkable. He reached into the locker and found a banana peel hidden underneath the students galaxy kitten phone case. Whether it was a joke, a basketball shot to the trash can gone wrong, or another horrible attempt to deceive the faculty, the mystery will remain unsolved. 

A Jelly Donut from Last Hanukkah: 

The crumb trail leading to the phone locker gave away the culprit. The donut is 100% inedible and gave Dr. Heidi a bright idea for her biology student’s next lab–her students will study the donut for dangerous bacteria and signs of life. However, the next day the donut was nowhere to be found. Rumor has it that a group of “starving and malnourished students” took it and split it during snack time. 

Lab-grade sodium chloride (aka table salt): 

When Ms. Knowles went to go salt her bagel in the lab prep room, she noticed that the lab grade NaCl (table salt), that she and the science department frequently use for their lunches, was missing, she automatically ran to the phone lockers. While searching the lockers she came across the salt and quickly ran back up the stairs. However, she claimed that she “just has a lab coming up” and that she would never “use chemicals from my lab in food.” 

A Hebrew-to-English dictionary: 

Whether this was a great attempt at extra credit or just someone’s last-ditch effort to quickly finish a ginormous Hebrew packet is unknown. After the Hebrew teachers informed their students that they now have a Google translate detector that they plan to use on all assignments going forward, this dictionary had become the most educational thing found in the jails and the administration wasn't too upset. 

Mogi: 

As part of the school’s new scavenger hunt, one of the tasks was to find the hidden stuffed tiger mascot, Mogi. After days of searching, the tiger was finally freed. He was found stuffed into a phone locker, crammed between (surprisingly) an actual phone, a melted Jolly Rancher, and a crumpled sheet of math homework. 

A Single Shoelace:

 No one knows where the other one went, and the student who left it behind refuses to answer questions.