New “Space Lasers” Added to Front Gate to Increase Security

SATIRE- As of February 1, Denver Jewish Day School has added new space lasers to guard the school’s front gate from intruders and unruly students. 

“The new space lasers are very effective,” said DJDS Head of School Dr. Mike Rotch. “I hope this ushers in a new wave of peace for our school. We have been planning to install these since before it got out that the Jews own space lasers, and I’m glad to see that dream fulfilled.”

DJDS students have begun to affectionately name the space security system “Big Brother.” One student explains: “It, uh, watches over us. Watches everything we do.” They refused to elaborate further.

The space lasers work by shooting out a high-velocity laser beam from a satellite that is currently orbiting the Earth at about 17,895 mph, slightly less than the speed one DJDS student was clocked at before their car got destroyed.

Four cars have already been destroyed by the new system— nearly as many have been damaged by DJDS students’ questionable driving. One anonymous Modena-goer commented, “my d*mn walker, where’d it go?” This was after the security system blasted the aforementioned walker to smithereens.

Ashe Merkes, DJDS’s Technology Specialist, was asked whether the space lasers were functioning correctly. “We are very happy with our new space lasers, but we are still working out some minor bugs. I hope to get it to stop shooting random students by Thursday,” she commented.

Already, DJDS students are protesting the new addition. “I just don’t know if I really like the space lasers,” reveals an anonymous DJDS freshman, shortly before they were struck down by a “bug” in the space laser system.

Student dissent has dropped sharply since the implementation of the new security system. “I don’t think I’ve heard a student complain about the phone lockers for, well, ever since we added the lasers,” Upper Division Principal Dr. G-T remarked. “It’s really refreshing.”

With the immense success of the space lasers, Dr. G-T plans to add many more security features, such as a moat of gefilte fish.

When Dr. Rotch was asked how he acquired the funds to send a satellite into space, a multibillion-dollar venture, his answer was cryptic: “I have some Jewish friends in the banking industry.”