Mr. T Negotiates with Terrorists, a CIA Coverup?

SATIRE- A math teacher at Denver Jewish Day School is being accused of spying on students and selling confidential data to the communists on the black web, says a CIA investigation. 

Sam Tluscik, an upper division math teacher at Denver Jewish Day School, made national headlines last week when it was announced the CIA has launched a massive investigation into a multi-year scandal involving Tulstick selling test grades and other private information to buyers on the black web. 

Mr. T, as his students call him, has been a teacher at DJDS for 9 years. He’s garnered a reputation for being a good math teacher with solid values and a somewhat ordinary character. Recently, however, even students have noticed a change in his already questionable behavior. 

Dalia Arch-Andorsky, a sophomore and current student of Mr. T, has noted he’s been consistently absent this year. He’s had to miss conferences and has had a pattern of missing at least one day a week over the course of the semester. He claims he was “sick” or his “water broke,” but even Dalia notes, “It seems convenient the regularity of his quote on quote sick days, no one can get sick 3 times in one month! I just want to finish my notes!” 

The CIA has speculated that these “sick days” are really a cover for Tluscik’s secret meetings with his handlers. The CIA first became aware of suspicious activity when Mr. T instructed his students to “find their mathematical Bin Ladens.” This along with his affinity for the Red Kingdom got the CIA’s attention to suspicious activity. 

Many students and faculty alike have taken great offense to Tluscik’s support for the Red Kingdom. The Red Kingdom has a history of bribery and paying off high-ranking officials. They’ve squashed 77/22 of their opponents in the past 5 years and not without the help of biased administration. “Mr. T’s support for the Red Army is sinful and is certainly not tolerated at Denver Jewish Day School,” said Tony Erlich, a freshman at DJDS. “[Tluscik] has no values supporting something that’s dependent on bribes and special treatment.”

Another concern students have is the absurd lengths of time in which they don’t see their homework. “You have to wonder what Mr. T does with everyone’s homework while it’s sitting at his house for 3 months, we all know he keeps it under his bed, but why?” said Mara Demain, a freshman at DJDS who is in his math class. 

Several students are annoyed because by the time their homework’s finally returned it’s covered in his cat Lucy’s hair.

 An incident two years ago occurred where Tluscik was randomly selected to be swabbed while going through TSA. His gray knit sweater which had high concentrations of Lucy’s hair was found to be slightly above the acceptable level of radiation level. The hair was also tested and it was found that Lucy is extremely obese and has dangerous amounts of cholesterol. Since then, the CIA has put her on Ozempic to “stay alive," but even Lizzo knows that's not an excuse. 

The CIA asked a similar question along the lines of Mara, and it turns out that they found thousands of copies of student’s homework, open notes (what the communists want him to call quizzes), and tests compiled in a massive matrix database that he sold on the black market to a group of communists, nicknamed the Arrowhead Revolutionaries. They are based out of Kansastan, a central Asian rebel country. 

The Arrowhead Revolutionaries use test data from students at Denver Jewish Day School to predict what kinds of homework are most detrimental to the human brain and what types of math problems are best used as punishments in their prison camps. 

Additionally, the main concern the CIA has is that the tens of thousands of data points the Revolutionaries have can be used to model American schooling systems and finally expose the horrors of the American education system. 

For now, it seems as if students are safe at DJDS. Still, the CIA has released a theory that the excessive fire drills that started this year are directly tied to the Revolutionaries. They theorize that Mr. T takes advantage of the empty building to steal other students' math homework from other classes. Be on the lookout as the Arrowhead Revolutionaries likely have more power at DJDS than previously thought. 

The future is still uncertain for Tluscik. He could face prison time and will be forced to cut all ties with the Arrowhead Revolutionaries and Kansastan. The CIA is court marshaling all the stolen math homework and will return the open notes, now called quizzes, and tests back to their rightful owners, the students. 

Remember DJDS, if your homework ever goes “missing” just blame it on a fire drill and the Arrowhead Revolutionaries.