Josh Lake Cancels School After Losing One Funko Pop

SATIRE- On Sunday, February 2nd, 2025 Denver Jewish Day School upper division students received an urgent email from Mr. Josh Lake, Director of Operations & Programming and Athletic Director, reporting a theft the previous Friday afternoon. 

Mr. Lake demanded that every student be on look-out for his missing Funko-Pop and then announced that school would be cancelled until this dangerous thief has been found. He then reported the theft to the head of security, Officer Mogy.

Immediately following the cancellation of school, Mr. Lake called for an emergency staff meeting that afternoon. At the meeting, Lake received many condolences for his devastating loss and was requested to share what he believed had happened. 

“Once the hallways had cleared out at the end of the day, I went to lock my office door and then drove home," Lake said to the faculty. “I knew I had to go home to my wife, my kid, and more importantly my 500 other Funko-Pops” 

At this point, Mr. Lake began to tear up and was embraced by several members of the faculty who begged him to continue his tale. 

“I noticed a gap between two of my beloved Funko-Pops. I tried to ignore it thinking nothing of its absence but I was so worried about my missing Funko-Pop that I was getting less work done than I do when I’m surrounded by my home Funko-Pops,” Lake said. “I just get more work done when I have every single Funko-Pop staring at me, you know?”

Lake continued to investigate and realized that it was none other than his brand new Taylor Swift pop his son had given to him, one of the most prized pops in the collection. 

“I just don’t get the obsession, like dude we know you like Funko-Pops,” said an anonymous faculty member. “I swear every time I walk by his office, I hear him talking to those things or growling with that little dinosaur one.” 

The security camera footage showed a person in a gray DJDS hoodie walk into his office and then leave moments later looking both directions suspiciously. When asked by Officer Mogy who the person was, Lake began hysterically sobbing and said “I don’t know! I was too distraught to look closely!” 

Officer Mogy told Mr. Lake that he and the rest of the faculty would not rest until his precious Funko-Pop is returned to his custody. “Don’t you worry, Mr. Lake, we will find whoever did this to you,” assured Officer Mogy.

The search continued for days, but to no avail. Officer Mogy, Mr. Lake, DJDS faculty, and all of the students searched every possible place they could think of. Lake would constantly stop students in the hall to pat them down and check their backpacks on the off chance that the Funko-Pop had wound up in one of their belongings. 

“That was really uncomfortable,” said Drew Kaplan, a DJDS tenth grade student, in response to a random pat down. “Almost as uncomfortable as me being in his office.” 

For the next week and a half, Mr. Lake continued to cancel school – to the annoyance of upper and now lower division parents – claiming every day that “it is not safe for students and faculty alike to return to school while the criminal is still at large. Furthermore, it is not reasonable to expect students to focus in class while such a tragedy continues to unfold.” 

As he fell further into his depressive episode, Lake did not only cancel school, however, he even convinced CHSSA (Colorado High School Activities Association) to postpone the basketball state championship game until after the Funko-Pop had been found and justice had been served. 

After almost two weeks of unscheduled break, the students finally were welcomed back to school. After much inquiration from the students regarding the whereabouts of the missing Funko-Pop, Lake agreed to be the guest speaker at Wednesday Assembly. 

During his speech, he first thanked everyone for their unwavering support throughout the past couple of weeks. He then explained where he had found his beloved Taylor Swift Funko Pop. 

“After nearly two weeks of relentless searching, I had just about given up when I decided to sit on my couch and mourn the loss of my dear Funko-Pop,” Lake said. “That’s when I felt it. I reached behind my dinosaur pillows resting on the couch and behold. My Taylor Swift Funko-Pop was at my very own house!” 

The crowd then joined Lake in singing his opera rendition of Happy Birthday. Once again, peace has been restored to this fine institution.