DJDS To Implement New Program for Alumni Who Visit Just Months After Graduating

SATIRE- While the Class of 2024 only graduated less than a year ago, the onset of recently graduated seniors who randomly “drop in,” has proven to cause serious feelings of uneasiness within the school culture. 

In an effort to combat this tension, Upper Division Principal Dr. Jeremy Golubcow-Teglasi proposes a solution: “AfterCare," a day-care program for alumni who peaked in high school and can’t seem to let DJDS go. “This new initiative aims to please both parties [alumni and currently enrolled students] as it reinforces graduates' lifelong connections to this community while sparing passing students the jump scare of seeing them in the office,” Dr. G-T said. “Their surprise appearances are not demure, immensely unmindful, and action needed to be taken.”

Having anticipated the mass return of past students, the upper division administration has had this program in the works since August of 2023. Designed intentionally to the alumni’s liking, the project has proven to be a massive success among its clientele. “I am an avid AfterCare enthusiast. What’s not to love? Every day we sit and reminisce with Mir Knowles and for snack, we get Black Rock!” said Lev Friedman, Class of 2024. 

Thanks to Mr. Levy’s use of cutting-edge technology and AI, AfterCare members may also simulate old classes through holographic projection. “The AfterCare Program is the best thing to grace DJDS since Mr. Doze,” said David Romershteyn, a former student. “And I just saw him in AP Holographic Literature!”    

While the program predominantly focuses on alumni retention, it also offers various resources that encourage reintegration into the real world. For those struggling to let go, the “Move On’” Milestone Rewards App incentivizes graduates not to visit. The App is simple: the longer participants don’t visit, the more points they receive, which are redeemable through a rewards system. Prizes may range from an upgraded diploma cover to a whiff of the Mogy suit to a handful of candy directly from Channa’s desk. In an interview, Rachel Kaufmann Class of 2023 stated, “I love ‘Move On’ Rewards, it’s basically Starbucks rewards but without the coffee, although now that I think about it, I just earned coffee with Jerry for my one-month milestone!” 

 Along with this, alumni may attend weekly “Grow Up” seminars, some of which include “Life After the 2023 1A Boys Basketball State Championship,” “How To Spend The Color War Budget Legally,” and “PTSD: Getting Over Senior Skit Jabs,” among countless others. “These new applications aid immensely in the professional development of our AfterCare members," Dr. G-T said. "While they may no longer be my students, I wasn’t going to pass up the opportunity to share more knowledge- you know me better than that!” 

In an attempt to maintain the beloved relationship DJDS has between nostalgia and progress, AfterCare has established itself as a necessary tool for alumni who can’t seem to walk away from their ‘glory days’. By structuring a program such as this, the school simultaneously indulges alumni in their reminiscence while saving them the embarrassment of awkward run-ins with enrolled students. With the implementation of the AfterCare program, current and former students alike can peacefully coexist within the red-brick walls on Wabash Street.