Enjoy this student production of "DJDS Weekend Update," brought to you by Maya Karlitz, Eitan Alperstein, and Naomi Kimel!

*Only script for the episode, recording unavailable*

[WEEKEND UPDATE THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

MAYA: Good evening, I'm Maya.

NAOMI: I'm Naomi.

EITAN: And I'm Eitan. And if you're watching this, congratulations—you’ve survived another week of late-stage capitalism!

Beckham Family Drama

EITAN: Victoria Beckham is reportedly in emotional distress over her son Brooklyn and his wife Nicola Peltz skipping David Beckham's 50th birthday—for the second year in a row.

MAYA: Sources say the tension started when Victoria refused to add Nicola to the family group chat titled "Only Beckhams and Beyoncé."

NAOMI: Meanwhile, David celebrated with a quiet dinner, three outfit changes, and a goal replay on loop.

Travis Kelce's Mystery Tan

NAOMI: NFL star Travis Kelce showed up to his podcast with a very suspicious tan—and even his mom asked where he’s been.

EITAN: He claimed it was from being in his “cubicle.” Yeah, sure, Travis. If by cubicle you mean a yacht off the Amalfi Coast.

MAYA: Honestly, the only time I get that tan in a cubicle is when someone turns on their ring light too bright.

Invisible Food Trend
NAOMI: A New York restaurant is now offering invisible food—yes, and they’re charging $50 a plate.
MAYA: It’s described as a “sensory experience.” My senses tell me I’m being robbed.
EITAN: Finally, a meal that says, “Bon Appétit” and “Good luck explaining this to your accountant.”

Gossiping AI Gets "Fired"
NAOMI: An AI receptionist was fired after spreading gossip it overheard about coworkers.
EITAN: Honestly, she’s just one “Girl, don’t do it” away from being my best friend.
MAYA: I want her in my group chat. She already knows who’s dating, who’s lying, and who’s microwaving fish.

Beavers vs. Bureaucracy
MAYA: In the Czech Republic, beavers built a dam in two days that took government engineers seven years to plan.
EITAN: Now the government is studying the beavers’ work ethic—and considering hiring them for their next infrastructure project.
NAOMI: The beavers responded by saying, “Pay us in wood chips and leave us alone.”

Teacher Identifies as Cat
EITAN: An Australian teacher has gone viral for identifying as a cat—licking her hands and hissing at students.
MAYA: Students say it’s weird, but still more organized than Zoom school.
NAOMI: School officials are allowing it… but only if she stops scratching up the whiteboard.

Monopoly Money Fine
MAYA: A man tried to pay a parking fine with Monopoly money.

NAOMI: Surprisingly, the city accepted it—as long as he also built a hotel on Boardwalk.
EITAN: The real tragedy? He had to mortgage his thimble.

Fartfluencer
MAYA: An Australian man is earning $20,000 a year posting fart videos on TikTok.
EITAN: That’s right—he’s breaking wind and breaking the internet.
NAOMI: And still, somehow more trustworthy than a wellness guru.

World’s Longest Car
NAOMI: “The American Dream” just reclaimed the record for world’s longest car—stretching over 100 feet.
MAYA: It’s got a helipad, a jacuzzi, and a carbon footprint the size of Delaware.
EITAN: The only thing longer than the car? The time it takes to parallel park it.

Sandcastle House
EITAN: A Florida man built a 30-foot-tall sandcastle as his permanent residence.
NAOMI: Critics called it “innovative.” The tide called it “mine.”
MAYA: He’s hoping to list it on Airbnb, but the ants already beat him to it.

Parrot Exposes Affair
NAOMI: In India, a pet parrot exposed its owner’s affair by repeating flirty phrases to his wife.
EITAN: The man is now single. The parrot? Already verified on Twitter.
MAYA: Up next: “Squawk to Me Nice”—a six-part limited series, narrated by Morgan Freeman… and the parrot.

Soup-Flavored Cough Drops
MAYA: Progresso released soup-flavored cough drops—chicken noodle and tomato basil.
EITAN: Because nothing says “relief” like slurping a lozenge.
NAOMI: Coming soon: Tylenol tacos. Fight your fever, then pass the salsa.

94-Year-Old Speed Demon
EITAN: A 94-year-old woman in Oregon was pulled over for driving 106 miles per hour.
MAYA: When asked why, she said, “I’ve got places to be and grandkids to beat at Mario Kart.”
NAOMI: Police let her go with a warning, and a job offer from NASCAR.

Meet Tequilla
NAOMI: A woman named Tequila Shian is going viral for never drinking alcohol.
EITAN: She said she was teased growing up—but now, she’s got a cocktail named after her. Who’s laughing now?
MAYA: Fun fact: her sister Mojita does party. And their cousin IPA just judges everyone.

Closing
MAYA: That’s all for this week’s Weekend Update!
NAOMI: We’ll be back next week—unless the AI receptionist replaces us.
EITAN: I already uploaded my résumé to her flash drive.
ALL: Goodnight—and may your cough drops never taste like stew!